01/23~24/25木金

This “knewsletter“ post is going to be selfishly about me, but considering the existential dread and stress I’ve been under lately, as well as the fact that I turn 29 tomorrow, I think it’s fine.

I’ve heard it expressed multiple times that you just have to start the thing and give yourself permission to suck at it. From there, you reiterate and get better, improving a little bit each and every time, so here we are.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

That’s the brutally honest truth, and it hurts, and I want better for myself, I expect better of myself, and I feel so stuck and helpless.

The frustration feels suffocating, as if it’s an actual weight on my chest. The whole thing is ironic because at the core of my HeArt and Being, I just want to help and be of service to others, but I haven’t even figured out how to help myself.

In that Spirit though, I’m just going to be going out on the limbs of Life, Full Send.

I’m trying to crack the code of escaping the traditional 9 - 5 grind by becoming an entrepreneur and working for myself, the People, and Mother Earth, and I have no idea what I’m doing. But hey? What better way to learn than by doing, right?

Trial by fire.

We have the Internet now, it’s the 21st century, and if I can financially support myself by sharing of my Consciousness, perspectives, and experiences online in a way that brings and adds value to the lives of others, then I will consider that to have been meaningful to my life too.

I’m terrified I won’t be able to individuate completely as an adult. I’m afraid of being abandoned by the ones I love the most. I’m scared I won’t ever make enough money to build a meaningful savings to be able to invest and build wealth, or have enough money to travel the world and so, so much more, but I’m so tired of letting the fear and stress and mentally spiraling thoughts sit on me.

This knewsletter is a part of me taking action to take charge of my Life and my Destiny.

Although there is a tiny part of me that secretly hopes someone or some external force will swoop in and take care of everything for me, take care of me for me, I know that’s not realistic or self-responsible.

And so here we are.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for being on this Journey with me, for witnessing me on this messy, real, raw, authentically, wholly, holy human journey of me.

This is the ground floor, Ground Zero, if you will.

I’ll get better with time, I promise.

I’ll learn to write more smoothly and captivatingly, bringing a lot more value per knewsletter and all that.

I just needed and wanted this space to vent, well, myself.

I feel like I try to keep it together all the time, at least when I’m public-facing.

I always try to be positive and uplifting, inspiring and encouraging to others, not bypassing with toxic positivity, but just generally trying to be as genuinely positive as possible.

Recently though? As in the past few months, I’ve been struggling deeply with not feeling like I’m living in my purpose, and it has weighed heavily on my Soul and Being.

This knewsletter is a part of my efforts to uplift myself, support myself financially, and to find, create, and cultivate a community of like-hearted Souls.

It’s a Grand Experiment, I have no idea how it’s going to go (though of course I have hopes), but I do know I can’t live doing nothing anymore. Or rather, I can’t live doing the same things over and over again and hoping for a different result.

(Insanity, anyone?

I think not, at least, not anymore for me.

I’m calling forth Clarity.)

Anyhow, this was perhaps a bit all over the place. Refinement comes with time, and if there’s one thing I Am calling forth for myself in my 29th year of Life on this Blessed, Grand, and Glorious Earth besides Clarity, it is Personal Refinement, as well as Action and Results.

Mahalo a nui loa, thanks again for bearing witness to what feels like a gory (hopefully glorious) rebirth of me; perhaps the meaning of my Life is to Create the meaning for myself.

Maybe it’s realizing there is no inherent meaning and I should just relax more and enjoy Life to the fullest. Perhaps it’s also to add value to the world and others, bringing as much Joy, Light, Laughter, and Smiles as possible.

Maybe it’s all of these; maybe it’s none of these.

Cheers to the Journey of Discovery, through the highs and lows of the Quest, beyond the pain of the unknown, in search of meaning, fulfillment, and Truth.

May I Embrace My Life Fully and be Fully Embraced by Life.

May I Create the Meaning I need for Myself to have Peace in my Life.

May I Live Courageously and Fully in My Purpose, finding Fulfillment and Joy with every Gift of a Day.

All of this and more, All of this and more.

Mahalo Ke Akua. Mahalo to you, too. (and Happy Birthday to me! Yay.)

♾️Aloha❤️‍🔥, AllWays, 愛Laumeilien